#can you tell i always give up at the end

[peaceoutofthepieces]

57. or 59. + 67. for Kandreil again please!! 😭🙏

i am sorry this has taken approx. two years. i sincerely hope you still enjoy

57. “Listen to me!”

59. “Don’t yell at me.”

67. “It’s you, it’s always been you.”

Being alone—truly alone—for the first time in one's life would have thrown anyone.

This is what Kevin told himself as he left. This is what Kevin told himself as he sat on the plane. This is what Kevin told himself as he stood in a bare apartment, empty but for the boxes and bags surrounding him. This is what Kevin told himself as he went to bed without another body no more than a door away for the first time in his life.

His body, exhausted enough from the travel and the private practice Kevin had put it through (he didn't yet have keys to his new court), pulled him into sleep, but it could not keep him there for long. His mind would not rest the same way. 

He would like to say the buzz of his phone woke him, but he'd been awake with the sun, staring at the ceiling—white, still white, but not the right shade—and it merely drew him out of a daze. The list of people who had his number, and who used it, had grown longer in the past year, and he did not waste time going over who might be trying to reach him at this hour. Not when the majority of his contacts were in a different time-zone, anyway. In the few seconds it took him to collect his phone, though, an entire cycle of emotions raced for his attention—panic, fear, annoyance, relief.

He could not name the feeling that overtook him at the sight of Neil's name. 

Part of it was—not surprise, exactly, but an unexpectedness. Neil was known for his inability to contact, purely from the disinterest he took in his phone, despite Andrew's constant warnings. He'd used it, Kevin knew, to keep an eye on Jean in the beginning, and he used it to maintain contact with his uncle, which was somewhat concerning but not Kevin's place to comment on. Then, he'd used it to keep up with the graduated Foxes, but Kevin knew Neil was never the one to initiate contact even there. 

Neil did not understand the concept of casual in any sense, but when it came to texting or calling, his bafflement reached yet new heights. Kevin understood, in a way, having grown up in the Nest. Living a life on the run made traceable contact more than uninteresting—it may well have been deadly. It made sense that still, Neil only felt the need to use it in emergencies. 

Which probably should have made Kevin worried. But while fear was mixed into the unnamable emotion, it was not the primary sensation. 

If it was really an emergency, Kevin justified, surely Neil would have called.

The message that awaited him was far from worrying, but he couldn't deny his confusion. 

Neil: You left your navy shirt with the weird horse logo. Andrew's joking about burning it.

Kevin's first instinct was to roll his eyes; trust Neil to have no lick of knowledge about branding, despite Andrew's tireless work at recreating his wardrobe. His second reaction was to frown in mild concern. 

He did not overthink it. He messaged back. 

Kevin: Since when does Andrew joke? 

A few minutes later, his phone pinged, but it wasn't Neil. 

Andrew: I'm not joking.

Kevin's phone slipped, and he gripped it tighter in sweaty fingers. If Neil was terrible at using his phone, Andrew was a hypocrite. Kevin was fairly sure the only people Andrew ever messaged were Renee, Bee, and Neil himself. He had never once messaged Kevin. 

Kevin supposed they'd never needed to, before. 

His phone pinged again, then again. 

Neil: All the time. It was easier to tell when he was high, now it just depends on how bored he sounds and how unlikely it is he means what he's saying. 

Neil: Even Nicky realised it this time.

Neil: Apparently Andrew ‘has enough taste to know better’, whatever that means. I'm guessing the shirt is expensive? 

Kevin blinked. 

Kevin: Is everything alright? 

There was no obvious explanation for the texts. Kevin would worry Neil was dancing around something, drawing him in to ask something of him or break some terrible news, but Neil was not the type. He always had been and always would be a liar, but he was also blunt. He did not sugarcoat. There would be no reason to message Kevin such nonsense if he had something more important to say. 

He waited, but this reply took longer. He was debating finally getting out of bed when it arrived. 

Neil: Yep. Everything alright with you? 

Oh. 

Was that what this was? Checking up on him? 

Kevin: Yes.

He debated with himself, then gave in to the impulse. 

Kevin: I'm not used to the quiet yet.

Neil: Makes sense.

Again, Kevin waited, but there was nothing more. Kevin could not think of another response—it didn't seem necessary, and he had already embarrassed himself enough. He expected, really, for that to be the end of it. 

By the time he got out of the shower, there was another message. 

Andrew: Respond to Neil if you're still alive.

Kevin checked, but Neil hadn't sent him anything else in the interim. He debated responding directly to Andrew—the two lonely incoming messages looked out of place and unfinished, when he stared at their text thread too long—but decided against it. Neil was the safer option of the two. 

Kevin: The shirt is expensive. If you're going to do anything with it, you should wear it. It will cover your next trip to Eden's. 

This was not, however, the safest response. It was stupid at best, but now there was no way of taking it back. 

He hadn't expected the distance to fuck with his head this quickly. In the past two years, he had held himself tightly in check, and would never have let such a suggestive thing slip. 

Neil wouldn't pick up on it, Kevin knew. At worst, Neil would be pissed off at Kevin managing his fashion choices from a distance. He would take it as derision, or dry teasing, knowing now Kevin was capable of such a thing, but not as an invitation. Not as a hopeful suggestion; not as Kevin being just short of begging. 

No, Neil would never pick up on it. 

But Andrew might. 

Before Kevin could spiral under the implications of this, his phone buzzed again. 

Neil: Won't be the same without you.

Oh, dear. Now Kevin could spiral for an entirely new reason. 

~^~

Kevin expected, after, for the texting to become more of a habit. 

He wasn't expecting Neil to show up at his door with Andrew in tow. 

It was mid-term, and Kevin had thought they might take an extended trip to Columbia. But there was no reason to waste two full days of their break just to get to Kevin and back. 

“What are you doing here?” Kevin asked, still frozen in the doorway of his apartment. 

Neil made a face at him. “Nice to see you, too. I brought your shirt.”

Kevin stared at him. He was startled all over again by how blue Neil's eyes were, now that he'd gone so long without seeing them. Neil never tried to hide them anymore. They gazed up at Kevin, clear and unflinching and beautiful. Since Neil returned to the Foxes after Baltimore, he and Kevin had never been apart long enough to go through any remarkable change without each other. Part of Kevin suggested that even now, nothing was different, but a larger part of him was reacting as if he had never seen Neil before. Perhaps that scar was lighter, or his jaw was sharper, or his hair had grown. But Kevin couldn't pin down anything, couldn't explain why Neil seemed to him, in this moment, more beautiful than ever. 

Was this what loneliness had done to him? 

No, Kevin thought. This is what they've always done to you.

He hadn't yet looked at Andrew. 

Kevin clenched his left hand to stop its trembling. “You've come all this way to give me a shirt?”

Andrew stepped up to Neil's shoulder. “We can leave.”

It was an unmistakable challenge. Kevin's mistake was in finally giving in and meeting Andrew's gaze. 

Andrew's beauty was softer than Neil's. Quieter. Neil, certainly against his best wishes, could not be overlooked. He attracted attention like a knife or a gun, harsh and deadly and surprising. Andrew did not have the same unexpected quality; he was beautiful like the night, vast and reliable and consuming, and no less lethal. 

Kevin's knees threatened to buckle. He covered it by stepping back and allowing Neil and Andrew in. 

Neil immediately began giving himself a tour of the apartment. Andrew dropped their bags, then planted himself in the middle of the hallway and watched Kevin, who was still hovering by the door. He had never been so unsure of himself in their presence, but it had been over a month. Here, now, with Andrew in front of him, that time felt like both a blink and an eternity. Nothing had changed. Everything was different. He could not remember. He had spent so much time feeling the absence of them, he couldn't be sure if this was how he used to feel with them near. He wasn't sure how he'd survived this long if it had been. 

“Take a picture,” Andrew drawled.

Kevin tore his gaze away, then resolutely directed it back, mustering some of his old confident irritation. “Excuse my surprise. I'd have thought you would have told me you were coming.”

Andrew shrugged. “Last minute decision.”

Kevin almost huffed. Even so, the hours it would have taken them to get here would have been plenty of time to notify him—even so, a text would have taken a few seconds before they'd even left. 

“We were bored,” Neil said, returning from wherever he'd been nosying through. “And we were already in the car.”

That stung more than it should have—more than Kevin could allow himself to acknowledge. He parsed through that for a response and came up with, “With my shirt.”

Neil shrugged, now showing a vested interest in the hallway itself. “You told me to wear it.”

Kevin's stomach flipped. He swallowed, roughly, and turned away. “You can put your bags in the spare room.”

Andrew moved to do so wordlessly. Kevin knew he would use it as an excuse for doing his own poking around, but he didn't care. There was nothing material Kevin wanted or needed to hide from them. 

“How've you been?” Neil asked. Kevin had forgotten the weight of his scrutiny. It didn't matter what Kevin answered—the way Neil was looking at him meant he'd already begun taking Kevin apart. 

He couldn't help answering, “I'm fine.”

Neil's smile was wry, but less vicious than it had once been. 

“You gonna show us your new court?” Neil asked, doing a slight bounce on his toes that made Kevin's heart tumble. This was alright, though. This was safe, familiar territory. Kevin's feelings became much less complicated when he could focus on exy. 

Andrew rematerialised at Neil's side with a derisive sound. “I am having food first.” He looked expectantly at Kevin, and Kevin felt another shiver of inexplicable nerves, of something like failure or inadequacy. 

He mended it quickly. “There's a cafe a few blocks over that does desserts.”

Andrew looked as close to pleased as Kevin had ever seen him; Neil looked all too knowing. Kevin stopped looking at either of them. 

~^~

Even when darkness fell and they parted ways into separate rooms, Kevin’s awareness of their presence was a physical thing beside him, a buzzing in his ears that would not allow him to sleep. He strained to hear over it, in case there really were any audible signs of life in the apartment aside from his frantic heartbeat. Then he realised what he was doing and turned onto his side, pressing his face to his pillow in hopes of muffling everything else. 

It didn’t work.

He dragged himself out of bed, hoping a wander to the bathroom and to the kitchen for a drink would settle him. But this was just another mistake. 

A silhouette already occupied the kitchen. Kevin made out Neil's shape, his outline wreathed in moonlight where he stood in front of the window, his hands planted on the counter. There was no hope of turning tail and escaping; Neil heard him before he'd even fully entered the room and turned to glance at him. 

Neil's eyes were midnight blue in the dark. “Hey.”

“Hey.” Kevin crept into the room. “Trouble sleeping?”

Neil shrugged. 

Kevin did not require explanation, really. He knew what it was like, trying to make yourself comfortable in an unfamiliar environment. Maybe Neil had been used to it, once, or maybe that was unfair—maybe, once, he had struggled all the more. Kevin knew well that the imminent threat of death could keep anyone awake. 

“Why did you really come?” Kevin asked. It was easier, in the darkness, over-tired, when he already felt raw and exposed and apart from reality. 

The afterward was the nerve-wracking bit, and Neil did not make it easier. He turned to lean back against the counter and eyed Kevin quietly, his hands flexing where they gripped the granite. “Why do you think we came?”

Kevin bit down a scoff. He should have expected the non-answer, but that didn't make it less irritating. He gave a jerky shrug. “I suppose you still don't think I can take care of myself.” 

“That's not true,” Neil denied, his brow furrowing. “I never thought that.”

“You're a known liar,” Kevin dismissed.

“Known to be bad at it.” The voice came from behind him, but Kevin didn't turn. His breath hitched as Andrew slipped past him and into the kitchen, ignoring them both as he filled himself a glass of water. 

Neil nodded at him, as if that was all the explanation and evidence necessary. Then he eyed Kevin a little more thoughtfully. “Do you not want us here?”

“That's not it,” Kevin said, because he was not known for being a good liar, either. 

“But there is something?”

Kevin fidgeted. “I just don't—I don't understand.”

Andrew clinked his glass down into the sink and turned to stare Kevin down. “What is there to understand?”

You, Kevin thought exasperatedly. Why you're here. Why you didn't tell me you were coming. Why you still allow me in your lives at all, when you must know by now how I feel. Us. This. Pick one.

“Don't you want to spend your break together?” Kevin landed on, with a little more bitterness than intended. 

Neil and Andrew shared a look, and that, right there, was what Kevin meant. When he was in their presence, he couldn't deny their unity, that together they were a part of something that Kevin was not. He could remain in their orbit, clinging to their gravity, but they were a world of their own and in the end, he was just a blink in their universe. 

Kevin had hoped that distance would allow him to find his own gravity, and he would not feel so untethered when he looked at them and remembered he was not theirs. 

He should have known that a pull that strong could not be weakened by something as insignificant as space. 

“It is not as if we don't see each other enough,” Andrew finally commented, dry and unconcerned. 

Neil pulled a face at him. “We are spending the break together,” he pointed out. He turned back to Kevin with a shrug. “We just wanted to see you, too.”

Kevin waited for the punchline. For Andrew, at least, to refute wanting anything other than Neil, which he still denied even at its most obvious. But Andrew just stood quietly, and Neil kept looking at Kevin in a way that was not soft, was not really even friendly, but was all the more honest and disarming for it. 

Kevin felt suddenly, inexplicably furious. “What a generous afterthought.”

Neil furrowed his brow. “Kevin—”

“I do not need your pity,” Kevin snapped. Neil, to his credit, didn't flinch. “I am not the answer to whatever poor attempt at self-improvement this is.”

Andrew glanced back and forth between them, looking as close to amused as he got as Neil rolled his eyes heavenward. “Jesus Christ, you're impossible. I don't know which one of your issues this meltdown is stemming from, but we only came to—”

Kevin turned and strode back into the hall before he could hear the rest. 

Neil said something loudly in Russian which Kevin assumed was a swear before calling after him. “Do you always need to be such a drama queen? Kevin, come on. Kev, listen to me!” He caught up to Kevin and latched a hand around his wrist. 

Kevin spun on him, jerking out of his grip. Neil retracted his hands, holding them up peaceably. “Don't yell at me.”

“Then listen to me,” Neil insisted. “What's wrong? You've been weird since we got here and now you're being pissy.”

Andrew followed them out. “Neil, don't tease him.”

“No, I need him to say it.” Neil didn't tear his gaze away from Kevin, resolute and equally pissed off in the face of Kevin's ire. 

Kevin shifted. “Say what?”

“Kevin, why do you think I'm here?” When Kevin opened his mouth to respond, Neil held up a hand. “No, think about it for a second. Not just here in your apartment. Why do you think I ever came with you in the first place?”

“To play,” Kevin said easily, blankly. What did this have to do with anything? “It was the stupidest thing you have ever done.”

Andrew twitched, and Kevin wondered if he was about to disagree or simply amused again. They both knew Neil had done much stupider things, but that had been the causal point of them all.

Neil was undeterred. “Probably. So do you think if anyone other than Kevin Day had asked me, I would've done it?”

Kevin opened his mouth. Closed it again. 

Neil inched closer. “What other reason could I possibly have had that would've made me think it was worth it?”

“I didn't think you were thinking at all,” Kevin couldn't help answering. 

Neil made a sound of frustration, almost a growl, then crushed it into softness. “It's you, Kevin. Do you not get that? It's you, it's always been you.”

Kevin's breath caught, and it was ridiculous, because Neil didn't even mean it like that. He had never meant it like that. Kevin had understood, upon finding out who Neil was and the connection between them, that Neil's joining him had always been something more, but it had never been that. It was something like how Kevin hung onto Jean, even now—that memory of the brightest part of a dark place and the desperate desire to cling to it. He'd made the comparison before, and it almost made him laugh, how accurate it was, except Kevin knew now how Jean had felt and how it had hurt and that it didn't any longer. 

This—them—could never be so clean cut. Neil was a gun or a knife and Andrew was the night and so it would always hurt, like a wound reopened again and again, as surely as the sun would always set. 

Kevin's response was scathing. “I'm sure I've exceeded all your expectations.”

Neil laughed, sharp and sure. “Oh, you're so much worse.”

“Enough.” Andrew put himself between them, slipping into Kevin's space as easily as if he had never left. His gaze was a trap that Kevin fell into without a second thought. “Tell us you don't want us here.”

“What?”

“Tell us to go,” Andrew said easily, “and we'll go.”

Kevin fumbled. “I didn't—that wasn't—”

“Or tell us to stay. But it has to be one or the other. A non-answer is as good as a no.” Andrew shrugged. “The choice is yours.”

“Don't pretend it's that simple,” Kevin snapped. He felt tense and agitated, unsure of which way to run. It all came down to deals with Andrew, to definites, but they were never as straightforward as he made them seem. Kevin had witnessed it, with Aaron and Neil and himself—how easily one gave to make way for another, how a yes was only a yes until it was no. 

Kevin would tell them to stay, and at the end of the week, what would happen? They would have to go, and instead of being Andrew-and-Neil and Kevin, they would return to their planet of two, and he would still be alone. 

“You suck at this,” Neil said bluntly, and Kevin blanched for a moment before realising he was talking to Andrew. 

The look Andrew sent back at him would have meant death, to anyone else. When Neil was the recipient, it was almost affectionate. “Because it is clearly your area of expertise.”

“Alright, genius. The fact even I can tell you're confusing him just makes my point.”

“He isn't confused.” Andrew cut his gaze back to Kevin. “He's a coward.”

Kevin fumed. “What makes you think—”

His breath cut off as Andrew took another step into his space, until he was forced to tilt his head down just to look at him. “Why,” Andrew asked softly, “are you still waiting to be punished for wanting something?”

And just like that, everything shifted. 

“You know.”

Andrew raised a brow. Neil rolled his eyes. “I was able to figure it out on my own, Kev. Are you saying you didn't?”

Wordlessly, Kevin shook his head. 

“You are even more dense than I gave you credit for,” Andrew said. 

“Can you—” Kevin cleared his throat “—can you spell it out for me?”

Andrew let a breath out through his nose. 

Neil nudged up behind Andrew's shoulder. “Yes or no, Kevin?”

Kevin blinked and tried to hold in the immediate yes that wanted to escape. “To what?” he managed, though it didn't matter. He could play defense all he liked, but it wasn't where his talents lay. In the end, he would take the shot. 

He wouldn't be able to resist giving them anything they asked for. 

Neil nodded to Andrew and said, “Kiss him.” 

Kevin did not take time to think anything trivial or snarky like him? Not you? because he was not stupid enough to miss such an open net from one of the few people in the world able to shut him out. Thoughtless and breathless, but with the surety and precision that came from thinking a move over again and again, he said, “Yes.”

And then Andrew was kissing him. 

Andrew was kissing him.

Kevin had been kissed plenty, and it apparently did not make a difference when it was another man; kissing was kissing, and his body knew how to do it. His head was last to process, unable to make it past the fact that Andrew was kissing him, but by then they'd already reached a rhythm and he was fairly sure he'd made an absolutely embarrassing noise, and Andrew's hand was in his hair. Incredulous, irrepressible laughter bubbled in Kevin's chest. 

Andrew's teeth dug into his bottom lip. “What's funny?”

Kevin laughed a little more. “When I imagined this, I failed to focus on how short you are.”

Andrew's look spoke death. To Kevin, it felt almost affectionate. 

“I'm sure there's ways around that,” Neil said dryly. When Kevin managed to look at him, he noted with not a small amount of satisfaction that Neil must have only managed that tone with a dedicated amount of control. In the dim light of the hallway, his pupils had blown, and he seemed unsure of whether to look at Andrew or Kevin. 

The impossible part, Kevin realised, had already passed—his lips were tingling with the remnants of Andrew's kiss. The game had changed, and no move from here on was too risky to take. 

He raised his brows, letting the corner of his mouth curl upwards. “Are you offering to test that theory?”

Neil had never been one to back down from a challenge. 

[ohitslen]

College (uni??) AU catering to my own interests as it should always be hehe :)

[dykedvonte]

wanted to say I appreciate your nuanced takes on MW and especially Curly. i don't get the claim that the fandom is full of Curly apologists when majority (esp yt and tiktok) say he's worse than Jimmy. Yes there's commentary about bro culture defending people, he def messed up in trying to placate Jimmy (tbh "we'll fix this" sounded more like trying to keep someone prone to outbursts like Jim calm and not hurt Anya/himself) but I don't think he did nothing to help Anya, since she continued to confide in him and he had less than a week to resolve it before the crash (I also don't get everyone saying he knew for ages when it seems like Anya told him that same week). I get Jimmy's a pos but saying stuff like Curly should've known he'd crash the ship or that Jim had a criminal record he ignored, reducing them to obviously horrible villain and willfully ignorant sidekick feels like a disservice to the game. If your best friend turned out to be horrible, what would you do in a confined space in the span of a few days to respond? I'd say some of the horror comes from trying to do good but ultimately failing, Curly's state after the crash is meant to be tragic horror not revenge/punishment

Thank you and this is what I want to get across.

A lot of information we have to supplement when it comes to how long things have been happening on this current ship. I think people try to add on to the horror and negligence by making things more obvious so it can feel like it was easier to avoid when, true to life, its not. Jimmy clearly didn't deserve or appreciate what Curly did for him in getting him the job, but do you think if Jimmy was that big of a menace on Earth he would've given him a position where he could have that level of power over people's lives? There's something in the fact he specifically chose to pick a position so close to himself where he could watch Jimmy.

I hate the bro code argument because that is a whole can of worms people really don't get. That sort of mentality is born from the general respect and preference of male matter over female ones. Curly is clearly not that guy, he is absent minded about the issue and inadvertently dismissive but he clearly believes Anya, he just can't understand what she's going through. It's an onslaught of information that no one really reacts right to. Additonally, the entire discussion of her assualt plays to heavy into the idea that there is fault outside of the perpertratior when it comes to SA. It's too close if she only did this or if Curly had protected her better but the fact of the matter is Jimmy did what he did. He did it before any of the conversations with Anya about it and it's why her behavior seemed to change so drastically in those last two days.

He has other conflicting thought and while his role as a Captain should've taken over, people act like it's not a very human thing to have such a toxic presence cloud your judgement. It is never easy to separate friend from coworker once that connection is formed, you want to help them, especially if they were friend first and for a long while like in this case. It's not right, but people act like it would be easy when the game clearly points out that no choice is easy to make, especially when you have to make it for more than one person. You have the weigh the consequences, look at all the options and make a plan. People can headcanon and decide how long things where happening, but if we look at what we were presented through the characters eyes, the only person given time to do that was Jimmy.

He waited two months after the crash to appoint himself Captain. Every time a problem was brought up he immediately took action and refused to sit on it and find a better solution. I think it's important to look at the warped way Jimmy takes initiative where Curly didn't as it works as a good contrast of why you don't just run in to "fix" things. The quickest and easiest option may not be the safest or most beneficial. I think some thoughts on the game suffer from the black and white thinking the game doesn't operate on along with us being voyeurs. We see what exactly led to what but the characters don't. They don't have the hindsight and foresight we do and even ours is scrambled by the non-linear story telling.

Like it's hard to talk abuou those grey zones without sounding like an apologist because you're explaining why taking responsibility isn't easy. It's not and it's weird to act like it would be in a scenerio that led up to the events of the game knowing what we know. We see all these characters in such isolated moments with various things before, in between, after and even during we aren't privy too. The idea that Jimmy is worse than Curly heavily banks on the words Jimmy was saying to Jimmy before he crashed the ship. That whatever happened on the ship was his responsibility to bare, which is true due to his position. But, are they not still not responsible for taking the actions Curly then must bare?

Like i feel like people think that these are situation that become easier with age or when you are in a postion of authority and they aren't. You don't lose your biases or gain some sudden knowledge that makes it easier. It just becomes more tiring as you keep dealing with it. I would be first in line to say Curly fucked up and should've done more but the idea he knew how bad it could get or he really saw the worst in the people around him and ignored it pretty much ignores a huge aspect of his character and the game.

[ducktracy]

30 second MS Paint self portrait but my director pointed out that i always start every meeting doing this and said that my energy is admirable and something to aspire towards. and i'm documenting this because i genuinely think a part of my brain is subconsciously being influenced by HIM

[mymp3]

it's doodle dump time again 👍

if yu bonus doodle makes my post fuck up again I'll cry

[gynandromorph]

i don't get why people prioritize making sure scammers never get any money over actually helping people or even just. exhibiting basic empathy. damn, you fucked over a homeless woman but hey at least a hypothetical scammer didn't get your $5 bill. just in case.

[coquelicoq]

anyway if you want to support people when they're going through hard shit but struggle to know how to do that, i do recommend the book there is no good card for this, which provides some very general scripts (though the emphasis is kind of more on how to function without a script, because every situation is different) and testimonials from people talking about the things that were helpful and unhelpful for them when they were dealing with loss or divorce or miscarriage or serious illness. the advice basically boils down to "don't pretend you know exactly what they're going through" and "don't make assumptions about how they feel about their situation" and "saying something is better than saying nothing even if you don't know the exact perfect thing to say," but i still found it helpful to be reminded of those things and have them demonstrated in a number of contexts. it's simple stuff that is surprisingly hard to internalize and apply because i think the instinct often is to fix it, but there's nothing you can say or do to fix loss, so it's best not to think of it in those terms. instead of fixing it, you're supporting them while they feel what they need to feel. it's hard to do, and it's okay (and common) to not know how, but it is something it's possible to get better at. and it's worth it. it makes a huge difference to people to be supported, and in my experience they appreciate your efforts even if they're awkward, because so many people are scared off from even trying.

[here-there-were-dragons]

just read the new hatchling skin rules and am having Some Type Of Initial Emotional Reaction and am now writing down said Initial Emotional Reaction uncensored as i currently Strongly Feel A Type Of Way and Require Venting. i cannot word this more politely. i do not have the capability to render this rage into polite borderline corporate-speak for the sake of the damn rules that act like anything short of apologizing for being alive to make up for having even the most constructive understanding friendly criticism or even personal mild non-critical dislike of something like a color or a breed is tantamount to personal targeted hatemail. i cannot wait until i cool into calm bitterness later because if i think about this enough to write about it again i will just go right back to being furious and the fact that everyone ielse who's complaining is focusing entirely on the lolita fashion thing and not on in my opinion the far more significant and offensive part is pissing me off even more. extremely angry unedited ranting ahead

fr having it's own "female presenting nipples" moment right now, not that i'm particularly surprised, they've been a prime example of "conservative protestantism in a lefty-language veneer" for a long while now.

"don't adultify" is such a fucking vague and easily selectively interpreted rule, not to mention insulting for a number of reasons,

but putting that part aside the whole idea of "nothing that suggests that the dragon is an adult in a young body" is. look, i'm not exactly fond of the "adult who looks like an anime schoolgirl" trope myself, but i fail to see how in the absolute FUCK having it be canon in-universe that it is both possible and legal for someone to be forced to stay as a child permanently, is somehow LESS creepy than just saying eternal youth dragons have dwarfism. also, fuck you to anyone with dwarfism apparently i guess?

and "no zombie baby dragons" is just stupid. even fucking minecraft has baby zombies, and microsoft has steadily butchered that game into one of the most t for toddler babymode things on earth this side of cocomelon.

and "no scars on hatchlings" so fuck you to any kids with scars too apparently, even though that's way more common than anyone seems to realize. you hear that, kids? if you're under 18 and have scars your very existence is too obscene for public view. 13+ year olds will be irreparably traumatized if they have to know you exist at all! fuck you disabled kids and fuck you amputee kids and fuck you any kids that have suffered anything ever at all for not appearing as a perfect unspoiled image of conservative christian child-doll innocent purity. flight rising staff says your body and existence is inherently too nsfw to even be acknowledged as existing much less visually seen. everyone knows REAL children don't get damaged at all, and if they do then they're too horrifying and defective at their job of Being A Child Properly to exist in public spaces! how dare ugly things that might make us uncomfortable with their existence by contradicting out ideals about aesthetic moral purity be allowed where good respectable normal people can see them!

i don't say any of these words lightly, and i'm very much not the type to go around calling people whatever-ists and in fact find that kind of thing extremely annoying, useless, reductive, and more or less only ever see it used as a blunt cudgel to shame people into line so they don't question you, and have historically found it especially annoying when people pull out the accusations-of-ism card on fr staff over things that are far more likely just completely understandable (if dubiously competent) issues of certain things simply not occurring to someone on code and design level due to lack of sufficient exposure to the idea, and have always been of the belief of giving them the benefit of doubt (even if often that just means i think they either most likely made an understandable mistake that i would likely also make, or, when i'm feeling less kind, that they're simply not particularly competent rather than actively hostile) so understand how much it means coming from me when i say- flight rising staff, sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, fuck you, you ableist batch of pricks, so far up your own asses with your performative veneer of vaguely lefty-flavored language that you don't realize how fundamentally extremely conservative all of your actual beliefs underlying them are. for every update you make that i approve of there's another that does twice as much damage as the good update fixed (and i'm starting to wonder if you maybe know what you're doing with that too-always batching the fucked up shit on the tail end of some big thing you know people will be excited about, always hiding these controversial moderation changes under something shiny and new, to the point that now i dread any new good update that genuinely seems a step in the right direction and/or is something we've been wanting for awhile because i'm just constantly expecting the knife hidden behind the footnotes afterwards, the fucking "ban tiktok/gay marriage/strip rights from this population/end net neutrality/whatever/ect" clause stapled onto the end of a bill about something entirely unrelated functionally holding a change people want hostage until they allow the fucked up part through. i've been here most of the site's 10+ years and i've seen this sort of thing happen far, far too often.) and every year the shit that gets pulled on the management and moderation end of things makes me more and more almost glad i've never had an income to spend on this, and the fact that apparently the moderation behind every single other petsite in existence is somehow significantly worse fucking astounds me. the only reason i stay around here is because It's Free Dragon Pictures, because it's literally the only actually good petsite game i've ever played and not gotten sick of within a week or so (and really the only good low-energy game i've ever played in general, which i'm increasingly convinced is in spite of it's management), and because somehow, despite all of this shit, i still genuinely love the game itself, because unfortunately by some accident of creation it seems they apparently stumbled purely by coincidence into making an actually good game idea no one else quite has. and after all the fuckery that gets constantly pulled, i refuse to believe the game being good is anything other than, much like many of the of the incidents i think they're unfairly accused of malice and -ism over, an accident.

Disabled children too obscene to fucking exist. fuck you. good to know half the child population's existence requires a trigger warning to even be allowed to be acknowledged as existing to you. good to know if the heart surgery i had when i was 11 had left any visible external scars i would be considered inherently too obscene to exist to you. good to know if the overhealed and benignly potentially cancerous scar on my back from whatever actually happened when i was a toddler (i don't trust either of my parents to ever be accurate about something like that) was in a more visible spot you would demand i have a trigger warning to post selfies online. good to know if any of the shit that's broken me emotionally left visible physical marks you would think it was good and right for me to be forcibly hidden from good normal people's view and considered too taboo for even the slightest discussion without hiding it with makeup and lies, just so i don't make good, lucky, undamaged, normal people uncomfortable, god fucking forbid. should we hide the gays too, since they also make so many people uncomfy? i imagine it won't be long before disabled adults are too obscene for your polite societytm sensibilities too. i've had the feeling for a long time that amputee and disabled skins were living on borrowed time with your rules, kept technically not explicitly dissalowed where all other forms of injury and ""body horror"" are banned simply out of fear of the backlash it would cause to include them, and well. the doomsday clock on that one just got a little bit closer to midnight, huh?

the only reason i wasn't a (physically, visibly, externally) scarred kid was pure sheer fucking luck. the only reason you weren't a physically scarred kid too is pure sheer fucking luck. the only reason you're not some type of disfigured or ugly or amputated or visibly injured or whatnot is pure sheer fucking luck. you're lucky. nothing more. if having to contend with that fact-the fact of how easily it could have gone a different way and there is nothing they would be able to do about it- makes good normal tm people uncomfortable, then well, get the fuck used to it, other people children very much fucking included don't exist to cater to the aesthetic sensibilities of a lucky perfect few. the only thing that separates you from the damaged ones you find too obscene is a bad day and an unlucky hand. and one day, even if you were lucky enough to escape being damaged when you were young, you and i will both be just like them too.

more festival skin winners slots is good. elemental swords sound fun.

[graveyarrdshift]

me every time i wake up

[thelivingsin]

it's normal to be disappointed when you learn that your dreams are already dead. but just like a phoenix, our death will lead us to our own rebirth; and like a supernova, some deaths are beautiful.

[martyrbat]

habeas corpus – detective comics #1086

(ID in alt!)

[sskk-manifesto]

!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[moe-broey]

Also @ my it takes Sharena to break free from the "Gustav was a good man/Father" Askr family unreliable narrator hivemind. That the Main Reason she can't/doesn't is because it's the One Thing that's protecting her. That's stopping her from having a catastrophic world/life fucking breakdown about it. Heavily influenced by her brother and mother's feelings about it.

There's something else, I think Sharena is specifically protecting herself from too. She was Triandra's sister, too.

[ywpd-translations]

Ride 718: Chiba's Sohoku High School

Pag 1

1: Southern Chiba Prefecture, Kanigawa city

3: I think the starting point is there

I can't wait!

They have takoyaki!

Sohoku is participating too

4: In this race

7: What is it, Onoda

Pag 2

1: ….. just now, somehow I though I heard Manami-kun's voice

2: I'm sure it was just my imagination, though

3: …. yeah

After all, we're in Chiba

4: Besides, this year Kanagawa has schedules, too

There should be a race there as well, today

Pag 3

1: The prefectural qualifiers to decide who will participate in the Inter High

Pag 4

1: The endless Pacific Ocean!

2: The Enshoji Temple!

3: Tainoura!*

(*NdT.: a natural reserve in Kamogawa)

4: Kamogawa sea park aquarium!

Ki-Kinaka-kun

5: Kamogawa!! Here- I've been here on a family vacation, teh!!

A family...? Vacation? Hn....? Rokudai?

Pag 5

1: Yeah! That one, teh

We stayed in that white hotel

Oi!! Rokudai!!

2: Listen!! We cam here for the prefectural qualifiers

As support!!

Y- yeah.... that's right, teh

3: We traveled since this morning with all the equipment... and came to Kamogawa!!

It took two hours by car

4: Be self-aware and focus!

Don't go all “hyaa” and “hyaa”...!! Our job is until our senpai are all lined up on the start line!!

Ah- yeah

5: Are you read?

Yessir!!

It's the beginning!!

I'm so glad the weather is good

Yessir!!

6: Really.....

Pag 6

1: It's been a while!!

4: Since a race we couldn't lose!!

Pag 7

1: Yeah!!

You're right!!

Pag 8

2: Uh....

Sohoku!!

It's Sohoku!!

What's that pressure

3: It's Sohoku's three third years!!

The sprintman with the red hair, Naruko!!

Kakaka, they're talking about me

4: The all-rounder Imaizumi

Be quiet

Pag 9

1: And then the climber, “Mountain King”, Onoda!!

2: Earlier....

Since I saw them getting off the bus, I wondered where Onoda was

Look, it's Sohoku

It's Naruko

That's Imaizumi

Where's Onoda?

3: But the moment he put on the yellow jersey

4: His presence got bigger!!

5: Those are the two times national champions of the Inter High, Sohoku High School racing team!!

Pag 10

1: Sohoku is here!!

Sohokuu

Sohokuu

That's Onoda!!

It's the three guys who participated in the last Inter High too!

2: Da.... dammit, Sohoku

I don't think we'll win

3: Senpai, Sohoku will go the the Inter High this year, too

Idiot, you have to cheer for us!!

Ah, sorry

5: A- amazing.....

7: Back-gate Slope-san....

Pag 11

1: It's overwhelming, teh....!! I feel like I'm so far away from them, teh

2: As expected, he really is a “god”, teh!!

I can't stop shaking, teh!!

3: The Back-gate Slope-senpai who usually talks so friendly to me

4: looks so glorious in a race venue!!

5: Ki- Kinaka-kun.... I

6: I really want to run together with Back-gate Slope-senpai!!

7: Look closely, Rokudai!!

Yeah!

That's our goal

One day we, too, on the brilliant stage of that “race”....

Pag 12

1: We'll aim for victory wearing the aame jersey as them!!

Yeah!!

2: For now, we're the support! We've been asked to work hard to deliver supplies, teh!!

That's right!! We were asked to help them in time of need!!

3: Oi oi, first years

4: Let's start to get ready quick now!!

Pag 13

1: Yessir, teh!!

Kaburagi-san!!

We can do it!!

2: Alright, so....

4: Damn!! Hahaha should I take your place from now on!? We second years can't run, to “preserve” us

These are Onoda-san's indications. Well, it can't be helped, geniuses are always preserved!!

!?“Preserved”....

5: No no, there's no need to take our place, teh!

R-right, it's us first years' role!!

7: What are you talking about?

Yes?

Pag 14

1: You will run, too

3: Huh?

Run?

Huh?

4: Kinaka Tsugunao and Rokudai Renta, you two were signed up for he race too!!

Together with Onoda-san and the others, you five will run in this qualifiers!!

Pag 15

1: Ehhh!?

Hahaha

Oi oi, why are you so surprised?

2: I told you, ten days ago! I heard from Onoda-san, and he told me to deliever the message to you

3: Definitely...

5: I remember I thought “ohh”, and I remember telling..... huh?

That's it, Kaburagi-kun!! That's it!!

6: Ahh, so when Imaizumi-san said “are you ready.....!!

Ah- wa- so it's really not the time to get excited because we went on a trip, teh

Earlier, Kaburagi-san, too....

You guys.....?

Did you at least bring your bikes?

7: It's our....

Our first.... race, teh

8: And we'll run together with them!? Huh!?

Pag 16

1: Do we really have to run!?

Pag 17

2: Yeah....

It's rising.... so this is what it means to run!?

Ah... yeah.... maybe, I can't believe it

3: I.... Imaizumi-san.... he's huge.....!!

4: Do your best, Rokudai

Ye-ye-ye-yessir, teh

Pag 18

1: Uh- uh- wa, I still can't wrap my head around it, teh!! 

Run.... run.... I was talking abou it with Kinaka-kun earlier, but it suddenly became reality....!!

2: It's a course full of mountains

Hold out 'til the end

Ye-yessir!!

3: Sohoku will run with both third years and first years?

I've never seen those guys before

I wonder if they're strong

4: Ahhh, I wanto to scold the myself from thirty minutes ago for being so excited, teh!!

5: Ah- uhm, I.... Imaizumi-san, uhm.... teh

Ki.... Kinaka-kun won the first years' race so I get it, but...... uhm

Rokudai!

Why me too!?

Pag 19

1: Even though I was a manager before!!

3: Did you see the map?

On this course there are a lot of mountains, and even though we use up a lot of calories, there a few supply stations

5: You can't win a road race just by being strong

Without supplies and calories control, you can't sho a good perfeormance

6: You need someone who “delievers it for you”

7: I heard from Hinoki and Amigoe, about your quick wits, attentiveness, and agility as a support

8: The reason you were chosen

Pag 20

1: It's because you “were a manager before”!!

3: Do your best, Rokudai-kun

4: Yessir

Back.... senpai!!

5: I'm sure today there will be a lot to do!!

[lemonhemlock]

it's so frustrating dealing with a friend that seems set on finding imaginary slights against their person and seethes in silence waiting for you to figure out what you did 'wrong' this time 🤦‍♀️

[sysig]

2023 Art Purge

Original edition! Ended up having to split the doodles into two parts, I didn’t mean to end up with so many left over but oops - onto the commentary!

Remember crayon Edgar? I drew this one at the same time! Loosely based off Circus Baby but really just more of a general cutesy look - layering with colours is fun :)

Eyes, every year. Two general eyes, and two characters! Bottom left is Souichi, and bottom right is Vivian :) Vivian always gets a spare eye haha

Some concept art for a false backpack I still kinda wanna make - it’d be a prop for a game I made earlier this year, as the prize container! It’s meant to be kind of like a pop-up shop that can fold away fairly small and hold a bunch of small items safely and inconspicuously, though it wouldn’t actually work as a real backpack lol

Some Cherubsona concept art, thinking about their hair and the light rays - I considered having a single asymmetrical hair tuft, I think while I was still on the fence about having asymmetrical wings as well - I’m happy with the final design :)

And some baby angels! Based on my DQIX/AGE headcanons/actual canon lol, took a few tries to get a design I was happy with before settling on the bottom-most one with the fuzzed ears, lolling about haha. Cute!

Also thinking about “Fallen” designs, since my cherubsona is meant to be a fallen angel - or even just biblically accurate angels! Maybe they became more normal-looking after falling haha

More Charm doodles based on the Hungry idea - neither Frankenstein nor Zombies were quite what I was looking for, but they were close! Poor Charm, even if it is a Look

More eyes! Concept sketches of the Yanderapy boys :D Mitsu’s swirls and Ishida’s sleepy ♥ eye expression haha

An alternate panel of Mitsu being shy to admit his love language haha, I wanted his expression to be a little more visible but him hiding in the book is also very cute haha

Little doodle of Ishida singing Daisy Bell! He’s half-crazy all for the love of Mitsu after all

Technically these are from later in the year but I was really hoping to have the set up for a silly concept rolling - Ishida wants to play a game! The game would allow each of them to take a turn, with the goal of the game to be to sneak a gift into the other’s bag or pocket when he’s not looking. A cute and silly and fun concept to reverse pick-pocket the other and give a little treat! Totally harmless and not at all strange or weird or with any kind of underlying sinister vibes!

The punchline of course was that since they’re both yanderes that it basically turns into stalking each other, which as featured here, Mitsu is very into, who could have guess lol. The double punchline is that they’re both so aware of/obsessed with each other that they notice each other right away, but play along because it’s obvious that they’re both enjoying it haha It’s yandere enrichment! Ishida would also get a real rush from “hunting” Mitsu, as would Mitsu enjoy being “hunted” - yet more twisted love languages ♥

Random deer :) Actually one of the animals I considered for Dahlia early on but decided to scrap, because I don’t know how to draw deer lol

Also went through a couple scrapped designs for her artist friend, just to make sure I explored all my options thoroughly! I’m glad I did, but I’m happiest with the one I decided on, of course

Brief Dahlia and Tala meeting. They’re unsure of each other! Squirrels and dogs don’t have the best track record admittedly

Bit of vent :( Bar’s always good for it ♥

Bucket! :D Been a bit since I drew anyone from that cast, though I somehow made him on-model by accident lol, and of course he’s still cute! That’s the important part really

Eyesssssssss <3 <3 On the left were some quick comparisons between dot/filled-in eyes and eyes with a differentiated pupil and iris, since I’ve been defaulting to dark eyes a lot lately (it’s the Vargas influence lol); and on the right were a bunch of Cure eyes! I think at least partially studied off of some character creators? Lots of eye styles to choose from, which one suits her the best hmm. She has very sparkly eyes

And another sort-of study off a character creator haha, it’s very cute! Not very Cure, though

One of the early ideas that made me want to dig her out of storage was actually an animation idea that was maybe a liiiiiittle ambitious to go about making without her having a fixed design lol - I’ve always been a fan of magical girl transformations that completely glow-blot out the body and then they explode into frills and bows and fluff at the end haha. I would still like to come back to the idea at some point!

Ended up with a good handful of muscle studies, even after the ones I already posted - a lot of the poses ended up silly haha

And a lot of skull/face/neck studies as well, with mixed success :P

I’ll get it figured out eventually!

Sometimes it’s fun to just doodle around, shapes :) My own original human style feels so constantly in flux with the fanart I like to make and having so many non-human characters haha, probably doesn’t help that I prefer high stylism

A trio! They look kinda familiar, hmmm....

Yet more eyes lol, the first trying to figure shines. You can really see what a lack of editing does to the implied shapes pfft ♪

Always trying to figure out how to dragons! Another one I’ll have to get to Someday. There’s gotta be a trick to them >:0

Out of general studies and tests - hey I thought Just Desserts already had a sona??? And that she was like the most important and best and all that?? I got curious what my sona might be in the JD universe without being the villain haha, and I came up with a Chocolate-Chip Brioche Bun lad! :D I’ve always had something of an affinity for brioche, also somewhat inspired by Edgeworth’s cravat haha. But would Charm still exist and be wreaking havoc, or would this be the alternate universe Charm equivalent?? ‘Cause they’re definitely not “Charm”

Speaking of Charm tho! She’s holding a tooth lol - something something, candy people mining teeth? Because cavities? I dunno lol, but she’s certainly not all that much bigger than a tooth so that’s some fun scale for you :)

And finishing off with some cutesie little chibis :) I made the first as a reference for proportions, and the second to show how my holosona would look in that style haha, what a cute evil computer